Three myths about happy ageing that makes you unhappy

Why advice about "staying young", "focusing on the positive pleasures" and "staying independent" can be detrimental to your mental well-being.

Across social media, I’ve noticed recurring advice on how to age well. While it may seem intuitively helpful, much of it can actually harm mental well-being. Three common myths are:

• Stay young

• Focus on pleasure

• Stay independent

Stay Young

The biggest myth is that "successful" aging means not aging. This idea is absurd because the alternative to aging is dying. Yet, society glorifies youth, pressuring us to strive for something impossible. While healthy living can slow biological aging, it cannot stop it. At some point, age-related changes are inevitable, and resisting them only causes unnecessary suffering.

Avoiding the reality of aging creates a disconnect between our inner experience and reality. Suppressing thoughts or emotions about aging often amplifies anxiety and stress. Instead, well-being comes from accepting our age and its challenges while learning to navigate them mindfully. Embracing this stage of life fosters growth, resilience, and a sense of purpose.

Focus on the Positive Pleasures

Avoidance also reinforces the idea that discomfort is intolerable, which leads us to the next myth about ageing well; the idea that you should focus solely on the positive or pleasurable aspects of life. I am not going against all the research steeming from Positive Psychology, which highlights the benefits of cultivating joy and gratitude, but reseach does not advocate avoiding the negative sides of life either. Challenges and discomfort are valuable parts of the human experience.

Our genetic wiring and our culture invites us to focus on all the things that feel good right now. But this “pleasure-dictatorship” is usually not something that brings us happiness in the long run. It does not feel good to do a hard physical workout, to stop bad habits like smoking, to avoid eating fat and sugar, to put oneself in new socially challenging situations or to deal with mistakes and regrets. It is usually not pleasuable either to learn something new. Yet all of these things are what gives our life meaning, satisfaction and purpose. And age is no excuse. Aging well requires not just accepting but also seeking out these difficulties, as they lead to personal growth and fulfillment.

Stay Independent

Being dependent on others is something most people fear as they get older. One of the aims of the Dutch Government is for people to “Live independently for longer”. It makes sense from a social and economical point of view as independent people needs less care. So why am I saying independence is something that makes us unhappy?

Firstly, while being self-sufficient can be empowering, the societal pressure to remain independent at all costs fosters shame, loneliness, and missed opportunities for connection.

Secondly, it is a paradox, that while we desire independence, human beings are social beings and we are so much stronger - both physically and emotionally - when we allow ourselves to help others, be vulnerable, share joys and challenges with each other. Why then, do we assume that everybody wants to stay independent and self-sufficient? This is not a black and white point of view. We are all different people. We all have different values and preferences. But it is time to step out of autopilot and rethink the default notion that we should all be independent. Co-living could be an alternative option. Denmark, where I was born, and the rest of Scandinavian, has been exploring co-living models for many years where community is a priority rather than individual independence. Maybe we, as individuals and society, would benefit more from fostering interdependence rather than independence?

The Takeaway

In sum, my advice for ageing well mentally is to:

• NOT try to stay young but embrace your current age with its unique joys and challenges

• NOT focus on instant pleasures, but on what matters to you in the long run even if it involves discomfort

• NOT stay completely independent. Care for your health and capabilities, but nurture connections.

By challenging these myths, I hope to create a more nuanced, realistic and fulfilling vision of what it means to age well. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Finally, since we are getting close to the holiday season, and I probably will not get the time to write anymore in 2024, let me take this opportunity to thank you for following me in 2024 and I am looking forward to continue to be Living and Ageing Upwards together in 2025.

Berit

Ps - don´t forget Phronetiqs webinar tomorrow if you want some advice from a behavioural science approach on how to “Turn Resolutions into Realities”. You can sign up the webinar here